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2012 Fashion Horoscopes

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Since I’ve been writing this blog, I’ve been promising to post some horoscopes.  Guess what?  I did!

I hope you enjoy them.  I’ve recently read a few other “fashion” horoscopes on various sites, and let me be the first one to say that they all suck.  I’m the original fashion astrologer, and the rest of them can kiss my original ass!

Aries: A professional setback could have you starting off 2012 on the wrong foot.  Like your fellow ram, Marc Jacobs, just be happy in your Louis Vuittons because those Dior stilettos aren’t really your style, anyway.  Don’t overrate your capabilities, especially in April when your soaring confidence knows no bounds and no manners.  You’ll reach your boiling point with a partner around August 15, although it could feel as if the heat was turned off a long time ago.  Your relationship woes — romantic and otherwise — might not seem so woeful once October arrives, but avoid being gullible when opportunity comes knocking near the end of the month.  Someone’s got your number and they’re ready to share it with the universe via Twitter.  Make discretion your mantra in 2012 and you won’t be sorry.

Taurus: You rode through 2011 with unbridled enthusiasm, like your fellow Taurus, Donatella Versace.  Now that everyone has been reacquainted with your brand, it’s time to rein it in again.  Don’t allow decadence during the first half of the year to leave you cleaning up the mess you made throughout the second half.  Expansive Jupiter may have you wearing a larger size come springtime, but a personal revolution in June could see you embracing the new you.  Be happy with what you’ve got because once October arrives you might realize that you can’t make everyone happy.  Your friends could be jealous or they could be justified; have you been ignoring the little people on your way to the top?  As the year draws to a close, try to figure out what you really value.  Chances are it’s not just the clothing on your back.

Gemini: So what do you Geminis do after laying down the foundation of an empire for the past decade or so?  You enjoy the fruits of your labors!  Just don’t go overboard with the celebrating or a scandal might have both you and your evil twin on the cover of the tabloids before the year is half over.  Are you reading this, Mary-Kate and Ashley?  The second half of the year promises a new beginning when you find a way to stand alone both professionally and personally.  Remember that you can’t choose your family when a crisis looms in late October.  You can, however, choose your friends.  If it’s time to cut the cord, the cosmos will give you a clear signal.  By late November you’ll be too busy for regrets, so keep pushing forward.  You’ve got until June of 2013 to bask in the spotlight solo, as a duo, or as part of a team.  Whatever you choose, this time it’s going to be on your own terms.

Cancer: Like your fellow crab, Giorgio Armani, you’ve been selling the world your brand for so long that you’ve probably forgotten why you got into the business in the first place.  As 2012 progresses, however, you’ll rediscover that creativity is your lifeblood and that you do your best work unencumbered by your desire to succeed financially.  Take advantage of an opportunity that presents itself in June and by October you could find yourself on a completely different career path.  While the universe might feel as if it’s slowing down as the year comes to an end, retreating into yourself for a brief respite might keep you out of trouble in late November.  You can break out of your shell again in the second half of 2013.  Until then, keep up your defenses because you’re not nearly as tough as you think you are.

Leo: Telling a Leo like Betsy Johnson that her career should be her focus for the first half of 2012 is like telling her to stop doing cartwheels.  Sure, she might like her job, but she probably likes doing cartwheels just as much.  Nevertheless, “work hard, work hard” is your motto for the moment, because it’s likely that you’ll be playing catch up with your creditors through mid-April.  And if that wasn’t bad enough, your good reputation could suffer as Mercury goes retrograde in your sign just as the spotlight is supposed to be shining on you in July and August.  What did you do to deserve this?  Nothing, really.  Everyone gets their day in the sun.  Yours will come again.  In the meantime, try to live vicariously through your fabulous friends during the second half of the year.  Let them do the gymnastics for a change while you sit back and applaud their efforts.

Virgo: Financial pressures during the first four months of the year could have you reverting to your weapon of choice: complaining.  Take the high road, Virgo, and keep your thoughts to yourself.  When Jupiter enters the career sector of your chart on June 11, opportunities to succeed will present themselves in much more formal manner than they have in a long time.  Just sign the contract!  You may not be working for yourself anymore, but you will be working.  Furthermore, you’ll be grateful that it’s not your name on the door in mid-August because your defenses will be down.  Once October arrives, a penchant for making other people look good will become your new secret weapon.  Considering a career in fashion?  Perhaps fashion journalism is more your style.  Why not?  Your fellow Virgo, Cathy Horyn, could use the competition.

Libra: It seems as if every move you made in 2011 was designed to make some spineless jerk look good.  And while you can try to convince yourself that your hard work hasn’t gone unnoticed, it’s killing you to be the backbone of the zodiac.  For the first four months of the year, you’re especially vulnerable to engaging in the wrong sort of behavior to deal with this stress, so let creativity be your drug of choice.  As summer arrives you’ll start to feel as if you’re no longer obligated to do all the heavy lifting, and around August 15 you’ll start to gain some real traction. Luck makes a reappearance in your life during the second half of 2012, but the financial rewards may not arrive for a few more years.  Still, hold the door open because you never know just how far your charm is going to take you.  Look how far it took André Leon Talley!

Scorpio: Slow and steady wins the race, right Scorpio?  You’ve been telling yourself that for so long that you’ve lost sight of the finish line.  Fortunately, fate is going to carry you to a first-place finish in early October.  Until then, tie up loose ends and get ready for a new challenge: mountain climbing.  With workhorse Saturn entering your sign for a two-and-a-half year stay, you could find yourself feeling as if the obstacles in front of you are insurmountable.  Nevertheless, like your fellow Scorpio, Kelly Osbourne, you’ve made mountains look like molehills before.  On the bright side, you’ll have patience on your side and some very good friends backing your expedition.  Just don’t forget to thank them when you reach your destination.  Perseverance is your gift from the cosmos in 2012.  Indifference is your enemy now.

Sagittarius: If 2012 has a theme for you, it’s learning who your friends are.  Take time out of your busy schedule in the second half of June for a much-needed vacation, and take time to reflect upon the relationships you’ve made over the past decade or so.  Away from the hustle and bustle of the big city, you’ll discover that there are people in your life who would go to the end of the world for you, and others who wouldn’t cross the street.  You’ll have more soul-searching to do once Saturn enters your twelfth house in early October.  However, don’t look for the secrets of the universe at the bottom of a wine bottle or you might become the center of the biggest Sagittarius scandal since John Galliano had a few-too-many.  And avoid the urge to escape entirely in late October when Mars may have you flying to a deserted island in your search for inner peace.  Trust in those old friends to keep you grounded.

Capricorn: Patience.  Diligence.  Knowing your place in the world.  These are the things that have taken you nowhere in 2011.  Thankfully, 2012 is your year to get somewhere.  While the sun is shining on you during the first three weeks of the year, everyone else is going to be scrambling, looking for somewhere dark to hide.  The emperor has no clothes, Capricorn, so consider yourself lucky that you haven’t been in charge.  Everything begins to go your way soon after, and by mid-June the planets begin to line up in a way that makes you feel a lot more comfortable in whatever it is you’re wearing.  Rely on your friends once October arrives — or make new friends — because you’re entering a two-and-a-half-year cycle where people look up to you as the leader whether or not you’ve earned the title just yet.  Get ready to give Heidi a run for her money, Angela Lindvall!

Aquarius: With Mars retrograde in your Karmic eighth house for much of the first four months of the year, you could find yourself facing the music in 2012.  What did you do to deserve this?  You believed your own hype, Aquarius.  Whatever the case, you’re going to regroup once summer arrives, but you may need to wait a while to relaunch.  The cosmos aren’t exactly in-tune with you right now, and it might be a couple of years before you feel as if your song is being heard again.  While voice lessons may seem like the solution, you might want to bury your head in a more cerebral pursuit.  You’re the Justin Timberlake of the zodiac and at the moment you’re not quite ‘n synch.  Either get back to what you do best or get back to school and learn something about the new direction you’re attempting to follow.

Pisces: The currents are changing, Pisces.  By the summer of 2013, the planets are going to line up in a manner that will make you feel loftier than a flying fish.  For now, though, keep your head below the water.  Attend to domestic matters after June 11, and take the plunge with a romantic partner before July 23.  Like your fellow fishes, Adam Levine and Anne Vyalitsyna, you might be doing the world a favor by pairing up — just imagine how gorgeous the kids will be!  Once restrictive Saturn moves into your ninth house in early October, you won’t feel as if you’re as lucky in life as you are in love, but don’t despair.  Your watershed year is coming, so get ready for it.  Deep in your sole you’ve got to believe that floundering isn’t going to get you anywhere in the last four months of 2012.  Get it?  Ha ha ha!


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December 29, 2011 at 1:30 pm

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Jupiter in Taurus

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I have to admit that the past year has been a total pain in the ass.  I’ve had virtually no professional opportunites open up to me despite my best efforts.  Unlike people who claim that “you make your own luck,” I know that isn’t true.  People get lucky.  I’ve been unlucky.  That’s it in a nutshell.

Anyway, I’m about to crack a new nut.  Jupiter enters Taurus on June 4.  Last time Jupiter was in Taurus, everyone listened when I told them that I had something to offer them.  It set the tone for a cycle that gave me about five fabulous years of professional opportunities, doing things with my time that made me feel as if I was the luckiest guy in the world.

That’s what Jupiter does; it bestows abundance and opportunity upon those it chooses to favor.  Moving into an earth sign for a twelve-month stay, the earth signs should be the beneficiaries of Jupiter’s generosity.  However, just because everything will come easy to those lucky individuals, it’s not all good news.  Taurus individuals will have to watch their hedonistic tendencies.  Capricorns will have to ensure that they’ve got a long-term plan in place while the universe is showering them with good fortune.  Virgos are going to have to seize the day and accept that they can wear optimism just as well as they wear pessimism, otherwise they’ll spend the next twelve years bitching about how they let opportunity slip through their fingers.

As for the rest of the signs, who cares?  Not me!  The universe has spent the last couple of months conspiring against me and my fellow Capricorns — not to mention the Libras (I’m a Capricorn sun/Libra rising).  You’ve had yours, and now it’s time for me to have mine.  Maybe I’ll get around to writing some horoscopes on this site, or maybe I’ll be having too much fun to bother.  Gawd, I hope it’s the latter!

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May 25, 2011 at 9:10 am

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Sarah Jessica Parker

As I write this, the moon, Mars and Jupiter are almost exactly conjunct in Aries.  Mercury, Venus and Uranus are also in the same sign.  The meaning of all this?  It’s the cosmos way of telling you to shut your mouth today or there’s going to be trouble.  Unless you’re an Aries, like Sarah Jessica Parker, let someone else take the lead.  Defer to those in charge, even if you have to bend over backwards to do it.

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May 1, 2011 at 8:15 am

April is for Ariens

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Last night I was feeling as if the planets were ganging up on me.  I went out feeling confident (and looking good, if I do say so myself), yet I came home feeling completely defeated.  So I did what any good astrologer should do: I looked at my own chart.

Yikes!  All these planets in Aries seem to be ganging up on me and anyone else who has the cardinal points of 15-17° emphasized in their natal charts.  For those with planets occupying similar degrees in the fire signs, things should be great!  On that note, I hate your guts.

Anyway, with Mercury moving retrograde in Aries, ready to go stationary on top of Mars in about two weeks, we’ll all have to do a little more to stay out of trouble.  Reckless Aries-style behavior that is being rewarded now will bring nothing but trouble around April 19.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

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April 9, 2011 at 10:21 am

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Jupiter Meets Uranus

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Zeus and Thetis

2011 is here, and like the rest of you suckers, I’ve decided to make a New Year’s resolution.  When I began publishing this blog, I had every intention of including regular astrological advice.  Time got away from me, though, and I didn’t really keep up my end of the bargain.  Now that my blog is actually getting some traffic, I’ve decided to pick up where I left off.  We’ll see if I make it to the end of the year without being distracted by something shiny.

Anyway, Jupiter and Uranus meet for a third time on Tuesday, after conjoining once in Aries, once in Pisces while the two planets completed their retrograde phases, and now again in Pisces.  Anyone born while the sun was in the last few degrees of Pisces or the first couple of degrees of Aries should feel something.  Watch for sudden, unconventional lucky breaks.  If the universe hands you a gift, take it.  For the most part, there are no strings attached, but for many of you’ll discover that some things are too good to be true after Jupiter moves into Aries where it will make some hard aspects to other planets in the upcoming months — March is going to be murder.

More importantly, don’t waffle much between January 4 and January 22.  It’s a good time to be decisive and practical once the Capricorn new moon arrives, and the activity in Pisces can encourage us to take a leap of faith.  Maybe that’s what Jupiter and Uranus are telling us, too.  I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

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January 2, 2011 at 2:18 pm

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Jupiter in Aries

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Big, old Jupiter moves into Aries today.  I’d like to say that this planetary event will put the last nail in the coffin of the Oughts, but I can’t.  It’s a temporary relocation.  The planet is going to slip into retrograde motion soon, moving back into Pisces and staying there until 2011, making three conjunctions with Uranus in the meantime.

On a mundane level, this first conjunction between Jupier and Uranus in Aries in a few days has me worried.  While other astrologers are talking of technological breakthroughs, I’m a little more concerned about the sudden, unexpected use of force.  I’m worried about the middle east.  0° Aries spells trouble to me.

As far as fashion is concerned, I’m intrigued.  I’ve written that fashion nowadays is rather fragmented.  I would consider this conjunction cycle to be a homogenizing influence if the cycle wasn’t taking place in two signs.  Add in the influence of Saturn which is also sitting on a house cusp, and everything is all messed up.

Fashion won’t start to get back on track until the F/W 2011 shows.  When it does, we should see some rules come into style.  Right now there are no rules.  Enjoy it while it lasts.  Then get yourself some shoes to match your bag.

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June 5, 2010 at 9:54 am

Don’t look up . . .

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Tomorrow marks the first of three exact oppositions between Jupiter and Saturn that will occur between now and March 2011.  Since this cycle of events only occurs once every twenty years, I’d like to discuss it in the context of fashion astrology.

The last time one of these opposition cycles pulled fashion in two directions was around 1990 — a particularly heterogeneous time in fashion.  80s-style excess was reaching a fever pitch.  The street styles of hip hop, post-punk and grunge were making inroads into high fashion, fueling the “antifashion” movement.  While the 90s may be remembered for minimalism, the early 90s were anything but minimal.  It was a cacaphonous, discordant era.

Likewise, 1970 was also a mess.  I like to use the 1969 film “Sweet Charity” as a shining example of how fashion was all over the map as the 70s began.  Contrast the high-octane glitz of the “dance hall hostesses” with double-knit daywear, the ultra-mod club kids and the antifashion styles of the hippies in the film, and the film stands up as an archive to one of fashion’s most-diverse eras.

With this Jupiter/Saturn opposition, we’re back to this sort of uncertain time in fashion.  While some critics are lauding Phoebe Philo’s minimal turn at Celine, others (like me) are praising Anna Sui for making maximalism cool.  In the meantime, we’re taking fashion cues from Lady Gaga the cast of “Sex and the City 2” — women who are renowned for acting (and dressing) like drag queens.

Take it from me: We haven’t seen the end of this aspect’s influence.  Fashion is going to get more fragmented before it begins to consolidate again.  We’re looking at one side of spectrum, and it’s a rainbow-colored mess.  Enjoy it while lasts.

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May 22, 2010 at 11:03 am